Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said “Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.” Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

“Satan!” beckoned God. “You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!”

“Yeah? What if I don’t?” replied the devil.

“I’ll sue you if I have to,” answered God.

“Sure,” laughed Satan. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts. In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don’t need it. In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies. In the fight between you and the world, back the world. Incompetence is a double-edged banana. Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you’ve got. – Andrew Young, American politician Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme. Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. – Larry Niven ‘Protector’ Interchangable parts won’t. Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.

7 Have been arrested for fraud.

19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.

117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.

3 Have been arrested for assault.

71 Have credit reports so bad they can’t qualify for a credit card.

14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.

8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,

21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.

84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.

There is an OLD story about the data center of the future.

This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.

The man’s job is to feed the dog.

The dog’s job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.