Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

You kiss your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap… and your child in the overhead compartment.

All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8… ISDN… cable modem… T1… T3…

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

When looking at a page full of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your pet has its own home page.

You’ve already visited all the links at Yahoo and you’re halfway through Lycos.

You can’t call your grandmother….. she doesn’t have a modem.

You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

You have commandeered your teenager’s phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don’t know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.

You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

Your friends no longer send you e-mail…. they just log on to your IRC channel.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your spouse makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

You get a tattoo that says, “This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher.”

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.

You forget what year it is.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind… the perfect soundtrack for “surfing the net”.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month “unlimited”.

You turn on your computer and… turn off your significant other.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her, and then said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don’t you think?”

At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!”

…there’s a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

…you buy an answering machine so you won’t miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

…there’s a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

…you’re reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

…you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it’ll magically open for them and not you.

…someone says, “well, to make a long story short” and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

…a friend or family member says “Yuck! This is awful!!” and then tells you to try some.

…you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just looking around.

…you rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

…a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

…your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

…there’s a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

…the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

…someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

…the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

…you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don’t, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.