You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the “10 items or less” lane.

You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don’t decide for another 30 minutes.

You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.

You return the coffee because it’s too hot.

You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).

You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.

You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven’t sold one in over 20 years.

If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20

You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.

You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.

You can’t read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you’re right and all the employees are wrong.

While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, “Is this all the TVs you have?”

You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn’t like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.

You chew out the manager of the local McDonald’s for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.

You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I’ve scent this massage threw it,
And I’m shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do. Why?”

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”

Tonto said, “Sure Kemosabe”, and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, “I do. What is wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy says to him, “Nothing much, I just wanted you to know………… you left your Injun running!!!”

If you are asked to join a parade, don’t march behind the elephants.

If you are coasting, you’re going downhill.

If you are feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.

If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

If you are worried about being crazy, don’t be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. – Harry S. Truman

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies.

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . . And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).” Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, “There will be a lot of banging in the land.” And Abraham replied, “It is my most fervent wish that this be so.” And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William’s drumsticks. And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, “eBay,” he said, “We need a name of a service that reflects what we are.” And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “Whoopee!” said Abraham. “No, YAHOO!” said Dot Com.