If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If some people didn’t tell you, you’d never know they’d been away on vacation.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

If ‘success’ consisted simply of not taking chances, then ‘glory’ would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is very near zero.

You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name.

You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important to us.”

Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

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The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

“Ever have an accident?”

“Nope, nary a one.”

“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”

“Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.”

“Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”

“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there isn’t a law, there will be.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 it will.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel…order more tunnel.

If things were left to chance, they would be better.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.