Never squat with yer spurs on.

There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman; neither one works.

Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.

It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.

If it says “one size fits all,” it doesn’t fit anyone.

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

If it works, don’t fix it!

If idiots could fly, this world would be an airport.

If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.

If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it will.

If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.

If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up.

The Sun is too loud.

Trees begin to chase you.

You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

You can hear mimes.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

Things become “Very Clear.”

You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.

The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

You and Reality file for divorce.

You can skip without a rope.

It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

My name is Spam.
Spam I Am.
I have some stuff I’d like to sell.
Take a look! It’s really swell!

I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
$500 software that really rocks!
Just 20 bucks–still in the box!

You are really full of bunk.
I do not want your bootleg junk!
I do not want your worthless Spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
How about some fast cash?
Fifty Thousand in a flash!!!

How stupid do you think I am?
I won’t join your shady scam.
You are a sucker, you silly gitch.
If it worked, we’d all be rich!
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Spam I Am:
Check out this great idea of mine!
For Web Hosting and Design!

I went to your site; it really sucks!
For this you’re charging lots of bucks?
You could at least learn to spell.
Why don’t you just go to hell.
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.

Don’t pretend your ads are new.
You insult us when you do.
I won’t buy your worthless stocks.
Our heads are not full of rocks
Stop it Spam. Enough’s enough.
I do not want your trashy stuff!
I do not want your damn spam!
I do not want it Spam I Am!

Once upon a time a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were captured by the Red Indians on a prospecting trip in North America. They been tied up against their respective totem poles for a day when the Chief walked up to the Englishman, pinched the skin of his upper arm and said, “Hmmm, heap good skin, nice and thick. Will make heap good canoe. You have a last request?”

“That case of gin I had when your boys caught me. I’d like that”, says the Englishman. He’s provided with his gin and is taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Englishman drinks two bottles of gin.

In the morning the Indians dispatch him, skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Scotsman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, “Hmmm, heap, heap good skin, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

“Ah’ll huv ma whisky back”, says the Scotsman. He’s provided with his whisky and taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Scotsman drinks three bottles of whisky. He’s already dead when the Indians come to collect him the next morning. They skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a week before it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Irishman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, “Hmmm, heap, heap, heap, heap good skin, very, very, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap, heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

“I’d loike a fork.”, says the Irishman.

The Chief gives him a funny look but gives him the fork. The Irishman takes the fork, stabs himself repeatedly shouting, “Yer no makin’ any bloody canoe outta me!”