Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists.

You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

You put both contacts into the same eye.

Your mother approves of the person you’re dating.

Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

Everyone loves your driver’s licence picture, but you think it looks awful.

The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.

You invite the peeping Tom in… and he says no.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25.

When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night…… and there aren’t any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?

A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?

A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things can wait until tomorrow.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?

A: That was the development phase of the project. Now we’re in the maintenance phase.

Q: Who is Satan?

A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him. God thinks he’s irritating but irrelevant.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?

A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?

A: Change your password every month and don’t make it a name, a common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?

A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off his back and let him program.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?

A: They are much more likely to receive email

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave.

He stopped and hollered into the cave… “Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!” and then listened very closely until he heard the answer…”Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!” He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.

The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.

“No”, said the other Indian. “It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, “Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!”, and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, “Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!” When he heard the return, “Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!”, off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.

The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.

As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, “Man! Look at the size of that cave! It’s bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!”

Well… he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed. He got in front of the cave and hollered, “Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!” He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, “WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Polack Run Over By Freight Train!!

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.

If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.

If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?

If I your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?

Broken Bag-O-Glass

Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit

Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook

Timothy McVays home Chemistry set

Switchblade Barney

Pork-n-Beany Babies

Make your own moonshine kit

Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)