1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft’s new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

GPF key – This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

$$ key – When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

ZD key – This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

MS key – This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled “Computing for Mindless Drones” in a 1″ x 1″ window.

FUD key – Some thing to do with the display … self explanatory.

Chicago key – Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

IBM key – Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).

MSN key – With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world’s second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!

RW95 key – Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it’s usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?

FDISK key – Microsoft’s new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.

Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear?”

It’s about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.

The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?

Acheson’s Rule Of The Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. – Dean Acheson

Action’s Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Adler’s Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.

Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable.

Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.

Allen’s Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep. – Woody Allen

Albrecht’s Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.

Alden’s Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible.

Andrea’s Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can’t hear you, it isn’t and he can.

Churchill’s Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.

You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

The homeless are invisible.

The subway makes sense.

The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

You’ve considered stabbing someone just for saying “The Big Apple”.

Your door has more than three locks.

You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.

Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a yard.

You complain about having to mow it.

You are a skee-ball juggernaut.

You consider Westchester “Upstate”.

You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.