1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan

2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan

3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior

4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O’Hare

5. Walden as read by James Watt

6. The Anarchist’s Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky

7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman

8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes

9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti

10. Mr. Boston’s Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy

11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms

12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson

13. The Physician’s Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman

15. Uncle Tom’s Cabin as read by George Wallace

17. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew

18. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner

19. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson

20. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton

21. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson

22. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter

23. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern

24. I’m Ok You’re Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh

25. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett

26. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain

27. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon

28. Moby Dick as read by Jonah

29. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf

30. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown

31. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson

32. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You get a tattoo that reads “This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher.”

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You laugh at people with 28,800 modems.

You start using smiley’s in your snail mail.

Your hard drive crashes.

You haven’t logged in for two hours. You start to twitch.

You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP’s access number.

You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.

Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.

“Darling, it was just a shark,” assured his wife when he came to.

“You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”

29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.

7 Have been arrested for fraud.

19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.

117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.

3 Have been arrested for assault.

71 Have credit reports so bad they can’t qualify for a credit card.

14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.

8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,

21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.

84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.

1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

20. If everyone in a team dies, it’s the last man’s job to win the fight against his enemy.