When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;

When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;

When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice;

– Lin Yutang
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‘Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.’

– Ambrose Bierce
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“A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.?

– Benjamin Franklin
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‘Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.’

– Oscar Wilde
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‘In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.’

– Lenny Bruce
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‘I was never ruined but twice — once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one.’

– Voltaire

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!”) The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot’s head and said, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill your brains all over the place.”

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.”

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot’s head and said, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.”

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “Listen to me. The pilot’s got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.”

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator’s head and repeated, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.”

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.”

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger’s head and demanded, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.”

No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. “He’s George W Bush!” they laughed. “He doesn’t have any brains!”

From the Late Show with David Letterman – Friday, January 13, 1995

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?”

8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage!”

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, “Minimum wage”.

6. Every few seconds, yell, “More waffles, Cuomo!”

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, “You wouldn’t charge Superman for dinner, would you?”

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, “He’s gonna spit in the chowder!”

1. Three words: eat the check.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And all over the ‘Net,
All the posts about Intel,
Made everyone fret,

The whiners were vocal,
They wouldn’t shut up,
Complaining about Intel’s,
FDIV cover up,

The engineers were nestled,
All snug in their labs,
Worrying about Intel’s,
Mistake in the fabs,

They made up excuses,
On how they’re affected,
They called up Intel,
And were promptly rejected,

And soon IBM jumped,
Right into the fray,
“We’ll stop shipping Pentiums,
As of later today.”

But their statement was just,
More political lies,
Because they said the next day,
“We’re still shipping those dies!”

But from where came this noise,
And vindictive clatter,
About a minor flaw,
That should not have mattered,

Well there was a math prof,
Doing work in V A,
He came to realize that,
Divs shouldn’t happen this way,

So Prof. Nicely described,
The bug that he found,
It wasn’t too long later,
That news got around,

Lots of people complained,
Without reason or rhyme,
Just because number five,
Equalled four point nine nine,

The media latched on,
And rumors were spread,
It took no time to proclaim,
That Intel was dead,

As I was reading more news,
A thought came to me,
Intel can’t possibly die,
They have a monopoly,

So on Andy, on Craig,
On Gordon and Vin,
Make sure with P6,
This doesn’t happen again,

As I logged off, I thought:
“This debate is absurd.”
So I soon logged back in,
And uttered these words,

“There are too many issues,
I refuse to take sides.
Merry Christmas to all,
And watch your divides.”

Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory, Ellis and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm.

“If you’re not rally in bad trouble, I’ll take the case,” said Gregory. “If you’re in a real jam and want to get out of it, my partner will handle it.

If, on the other hand, you’re not involved and want to get in trouble, my on, who just graduated from law school, will take it!”