10. It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to “Melrose Place” and got a “Error 404″ message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV–even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an “Under Construction” sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can’t find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don’t beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can’t surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

“Will you state your name?” asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

“Well, doctor,” continued the district attorney without changing expression, “we could start with an easier question”.

The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong denomination.

The sun goes down just when you need it the most.

The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first.

The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.

The tough part of a Data Processing Manager’s job is that users don’t really know what they want, but they know for what they don’t want.

The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was!

The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases dramatically.

The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

The trick is to stop thinking it is ‘your’ money. – IRS auditor

The trouble with life is that it’s a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.

There is never time to do it right, but there’s always time to do it over.

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Here’s a Minnesota Guide to Computer Lingo

LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter

LOG OFF: don’t add no more vood

MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove

MEGAHERTZ: vhen da big log drops on your barefoot in da morning

FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from pilingk too much vood

RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork

HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter

PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season

ENTER: come on in

WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero

SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season

CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings games

MICROCHIP: vhat’s left in da bag vhen da chips are gone

MODEM: vhat ya did to da hay fields last Yuly

DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix’s wife

LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit

KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to hang da keys so da Misses can find em

SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?

MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard

MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof

PORT: vhere da commercial fishin guys tie up dere boats

DOCKING STATION: da same as PORT

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can’t remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it