10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is “Huntin”.

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:

* 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

* 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

* 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

* 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

* 53 to flame the spell checkers

* 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

* 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

* 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

* 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

* 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

* 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

* 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

* 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

* 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

* 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”

* 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.

* 19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”

* 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

* 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

* 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

* 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.

“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Difference Between a Bad *President* and a Bad *Precedent*

… BAD *PRECEDENT:

Tipper: “How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?”

Al: “Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I’d do it all again.”

… BAD *PRESIDENT:

Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear

- “I do solemonemoney swear…”

- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States

- “… that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States…”

- and will to the best of my ability

- “… and will to the best of my abli-tilly …”

- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States

- “… preservect defenestrate the United … the Constitual … the … um … of America.”

- So help me God.

- “So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?”

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net”

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”

1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, jerk.”