If a communist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government sells him some of the milk.

If a Socialist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government gives him some of the milk.

If a Nazi has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows.

If a Capitalist has two cows, he sells one and buys a bull.

If a New dealist has two cows, he kills one, milks the other, and throws away the milk.

If a Liberalist has two cows, he sells them to the rich, then taxes them one cow and gives it to the poor.

If a Conservatist has two cows, he locks them up and charges people to look at them.

If an Atheist has two cows, he doesn’t believe it.

If a Taoist has two cows, he lets them wander off.

If a Platonist has two cows, he looks for two others to milk.

If a Aristocrat has two cows, he sells them and buys one big one.

If a Pacifist has two cows, they stampede him.

If a government worker has two cows, he can’t sell them, fire them, or even label them as cows.

If a Hillary Clinton has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives everyone two cows. If she doesn’t have enough, she gives them bull.

Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I’m perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I’m not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they’re doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.

Now then… Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?

I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who “owned” the card.

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

I have two sons who are at opposite poles on the military issue. Rick thinks the military exists “only to kill people” and says so at every chance he gets.

Mike thinks the military is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and plans to make it his career. Needless to say, when they get together, sparks fly.

A recent interchange went something like this:

Rick: “‘Military intelligence’ is a contradiction in terms.”

Mike: “No more than ‘civilian worker’.”

LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:

According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.

Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.

Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school’s 150th anniversary.

Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don’t engage in strenuous activities.

A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.