And LO! The Lord of the OS did come down among His sheep and He did sayeth, Thou Shalt Pay Bill Gates, and he will deleverith unto you my product.

I am Win95, your GUI. Thou shalt not have false GUI’s on machines before me.

And the Lord said, “16 bit applications are evil! I am sorry I ever created them. I shall destroy them all and start over. Thou shalt all buy new computers.”

And the prophet Intel came forward and said, “But Lord, what about backwards compatibility? What about the tribes of 8086 and 80286 and 80386?” And Lo! the Lord became angry and said, “Compatibility is irrelevant. You will be assimilated.”

And the consumers gathered around Bill Gates and the tower of Microsoft, and they asked, “Prophet, how much must we spend on salvation? Seven times our investment?” And Bill Gates turned to the crowd and he said unto them, “Nay, consumers, you must not spend seven times your investment, but rather seventy times seven times your investment. Only then shall you be saved.”

And the consumers did as they were told. But the product did not work, and they grew angry, and they cried out to the Lord, “Lord, we have done as you asked, but the product does not work! Our machines, they run slow! Our applications, they do not run.” And the Lord said unto them, “I tell you this, it is easier for Alice Cooper to enter the gates of heaven than for a Pentium to run Windows95.”

And as the masses came forward, I saw inscribed upon their heads W95, the Number of the Bill.

And the Prophet Bill, for that is who it must have been, he raised his right hand, and broke the first seal, saying, “Behold, the seal of Microsoft. By the breaking of this seal you are bound unto whatever the contract within may say.” And as the seal was broken, all the great empires around the world were set upon with famine and floods and swarms of bugs like never seen before and great anguish befell them all. And lo, the Prophet Bill held up the scroll and said, “Behold, the second seal! I shall not break it today, but rather I shalt break it soon, like perhaps next week, or maybe the week thereafter. Thou shalt wait expectantly for its breaking, shalt not produce any other work until that time shall come.”

A woman was in her front yard, moving her lawnmower when her atractive blonde neighbour came out of his house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little while later, he came out and again he checked his mailbox and angrily stormed back into his house. As the woman was getting ready to mow the lawn…he came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it closed. Puzzled by his actions the woman asked hin “Is something wrong?”. To which he replied, “There certainly is!…….

My stupid computer keeps saying “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.

Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.

Active socially: Drinks heavily.

Alert to company developments: An office gossip.

Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.

Average: Not too bright.

Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.

Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.

Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.

Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Conscientious and careful: Scared.

Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.

Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.

Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.

Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.

Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.

Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.

Enjoys job: Needs more to do.

Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.

Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.

Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.

Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.

Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.

Happy: Paid too much.

Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.

Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.

Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.

Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.

Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.

Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.

Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.

Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.

Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.

Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.

Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.

Maintains professional attitude: A snob.

Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.

Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.

Not a desk person: Did not go to college.

Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.

Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.

Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.

Should go far: Please.

Slightly below average: Stupid.

Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.

Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.

Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.

Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.

Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.

Takes pride in work: Conceited.

Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.

Uses resources well: Delegates everything.

Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.

Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.

Well organized: Does too much busywork.

Will go far: Relative of management.

Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn’t mind spending someone else’s money.

Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. “Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress,” complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked “what’s wrong?” It’s a small, small world Joe, and you’re fired”

Bellevue, WA

On Saturday, police broke up a disturbance between a couple arguing over which one was drunker. Both were arrested and taken to Overlake Hospital for treatment of injuries to their heads.

The police are charging them with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, but not assault.

They each injured themselves and not the other.

It seems, according to police and witnesses, that the couple were taking turns bashing their heads into the drywall walls and the wooden door of their apartment in order to prove they were so drunk that they couldn’t feel the pain.