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Rednecks Jokes

1. You’ve ever cut your grass and found a car.
2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.

4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.
5. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

7. You own a homemade fur coat.
8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

10. Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I
can take a bath.”
11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as “the day my ship came in.”
12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
14. You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from
the Governor to spare a loved one.

16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall
because of her language.
17. Someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”
18. Birds are attracted to your beard.

19. Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
21. You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.

22. You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.
23. Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

25. You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.
27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

31. Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
33. You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.

34. There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

37. You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

40. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
41. You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.
42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

43. You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.
45. Your kids take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”

46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
47. You’ve ever bought a used cap.
48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
50. You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
51. You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.

52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

58. You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
60. You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.

61. You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
65. You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before
telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.

67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
68. You own a denim leisure suit.
69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
71. You’ve ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

73. You have a rag for a gas cap.
74. The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on
your arm.
77. You’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge
clearance restrictions.
78. You’ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, “For a good time call….”

79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.

82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs
with beer bottles.
83. Your father executes the “pull my finger” trick during Christmas
84. All of your four letter words are two syllables.

85. You’ve ever been too drunk to fish?
86. You cut your toenails in front of company.
87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
89. Hitchhikers won’t get in the car with you.
90. You’ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

91. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.
92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
93. You can spit without opening your mouth.

94. You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
95. You call your boss “dude”.
96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.

97. You have grease under your toenails.
98. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
101. You’ve ever been fired from a construction job because of your
102. You’ve ever cleaned fish in your living room.

103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute
for toilet paper.
105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
108. Your wife’s hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

109. Your father walks you to school because you’re both in the same
110. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your pick-up does.
111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the “Lube Rack”.

112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.

115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.
117. Your family tree doesn’t fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase “turn off the paved road”.

119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you’re at bingo.
121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.

122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
124. You’ve been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.

125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.
126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a
freebie at the “House of Tattoos”.
127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.

131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle.
132. Your brother and sister get divorced…from each other.
133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture…and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.

134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.

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“Hard drive” — Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

“Keyboard” —- Place to hang your truck keys.

“Window” —— Place in the truck to hang your guns.

“Floppy” —— When you run out of Polygrip.

“Modem” ——- How you got rid of your dandelions.

“ROM” ——— Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

“Byte” ——– First word in a kiss-off phrase.

“Reboot” —— What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

“Network” —– Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

“Mouse” ——- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

“LAN” ——– To borrow as in, “Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.”

“Cursor” —— What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

“bit” ——— A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.”

“digital control” — What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

“packet” —— What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

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‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor. His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle, And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle. His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care, And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys. There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11; Dud goin’ on 10; Otis was 7. John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3: The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt, Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk. They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall. There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young’uns, “Now hesh up ya’ll! The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.” Maw was expecting And needed her sleep, So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit. The young’uns asked Bubba, “Paw, what is it?” Bubba just stared; He could not say a word. This was just like all of the stories he’d heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin’ But the boys didn’t know; They was about to start shootin’! They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake That would have resulted in venison steak. Bubba hollered out, “Don’t shoot, boys!” That’s Santy Claus And he’s brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin’ And a-raisin’ cain, And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name. “Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe! Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!”

“Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall! Quit shakin the trailer, Or you’ll make Santy fall!” The dogs kept a-barkin’ And wouldn’t shut up, And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys. Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys. Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry. The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry. Just as the reindeer Got into the air, The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn’t care.

He was busy lookin’ At all his new toys. Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys: “Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she’s all right. That roof fallin’ on her Could-a hurt just a might.”

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too. They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new. And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick, But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too. And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!

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A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a Ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost?!? I thought you said ‘goats!’”

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You might be a redneck if. . .

You think harass is two words. You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH. Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. You have more dogs than the local shelter. You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $

Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead!”

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

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