Hi! This is John. I am not available for the moment but:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

# Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
# Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
# How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
# Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
# Homer no function beer well without.
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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“The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed.”

–”The World As I See It,” originally published in FORUM AND CENTURY, 1931.

“Try to become not a man of success, but try rather to become
a man of value.”

–Life magazine. May 2, 1955.

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“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.” — Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

“The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.” — Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” — Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” — Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

“When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.” — Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

“It’s like deja vu all over again.” — Yogi Berra

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese” — Former French President Charles De Gaulle

“The loss of life will be irreplaceable.” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” — A congressional candidate in Texas

“It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.” — Richard M. Nixon

“The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.” — Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” — Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

“A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.” — Everett Dirksen

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” — Samuel Goldwyn

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. ” –Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on

Republican family values

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” — John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” — Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.” — General William Westmoreland

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line “a mind is a terrible thing to waste”

“If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.” — Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle