An airline pilot hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying ABC airline.” He had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 123, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if
I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the
back of mine!”

Cessna pilot: “Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.
Tower: “Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!
Do you have the airfield in sight?”
Cessna: “Uh…tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.”

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant: “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant,” and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

Air traffic controller:
“Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.”
Airline pilot: “But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Air Traffic controller: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?”