I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.

She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang, “Doctor, please help me find out what’s wrong with me!”

So Dr. Chang said, “Take off all yu cwothes.” So she did.
Then he said, “Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me.” So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said, “I know what wong with yu…
Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!”

The lady asked, “What the heck is that?!”

Dr. Chang replied, “Dat’s wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt”!

One day, a man walked into the dentist”s office for some dental work.

The dentist said, “Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?”

The man looked at the dentist and said, “None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life.”

The dentist said, “Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller.”
The man looked back at the dentist and said, “I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare.”

The dentist said, “Sir, I”m telling you, use a painkiller.”

The man again said to the dentist, “I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth.”

The dentist then said, “Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?”

The man said, “Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life”

The dentist then said, “Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?”

The man replied, “When I reached the end of the chain.”

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, – “Damn, some asshole has my pen!”

Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients’ records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I’m going to RUN!!!

The patient denies pregnancy. (And I certainly think he should.)

She does a lot of work around the house. It is kind of localized in the left buttock area.

He was not to lift or drive his car.

For the last 48 hours, the patient was carrying a refrigerator up the stairs. (L-O-O-ONG stairs.)

An ultrasound was ordered on admission of the left foot. (and the patient came back to visit his foot almost evey day.)

Father is currently deceased. (So he may come back???)

She is a small-appearing elderly female. (She only appears small; she’s actually 6 foot 2.)

The patient has no temperature today. (Really?? The planet Pluto has a temperature!)

The patient has a questionable cousin with colitis. (Yeah, I have a questionable cousin, too.)

She slid on some oil and her feet flew out from under her, landing on her left arm and back. (Try to picture that!)

She was a restrained driver in the back seat.

The bulldog clamp was removed from the mammary artery and allowed to run for about a minute. (Very active clamp!)

The patient is confused, but the family states that she has been intermittently confused for some time and particularly about…she has been intermittently, intermittently been increasingly confused over the last 3 months. (WHO is confused??)

Excess debris was removed. (And the necessary debris remained.)

He feels just as tired when he goes to bed as when he gets up in the morning.

She complains of no hearing loss. (Well, I don’t mind not having a hearing loss.)

(Mothers, you will love this one.) The patient takes care of four children, does not work.

He has one brother and two half-female siblings.