A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor’s office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it’s one of two things.

The Doc says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.”

“What do you mean!” The guy says, “Can’t you tell the difference?”

“Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages… Tell you what ya do…Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, – don’t have sex with her anymore!”

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth.” The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.

The speaker tried them. “Too loose,” he said. The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.” The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.” The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.”

The speaker said, “They fit perfectly.” With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. “I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”

The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.”

What doctors say, and what they’re really thinking:

“This should be taken care of right away.” I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…?” He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.” I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.” I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. –or– I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“We have some good news and some bad news.” The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.” Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.” I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.” He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.” I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.” I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.” I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.” Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?” I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.” The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.” Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.” I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?” You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …

“There is a lot of that going around.” My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.” I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop
3. “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
6. Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again…
10. “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ‘em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won’t miss him
15. And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked “What do you want me to do?” “Nothing. Just stand there.”

A while later, the lawyer asked “What do you want me to do?” “Nothing. Just stand there.”

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked “Why are we standing here?”

“Well,” said the old man, “Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I’d do the same!