Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy: “I’ve got another dress for you to clean.”

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, “Come again?”

“No,” says Monica. “Mustard!”

Winston Peters is visiting a school.

In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a “tragedy”. One little boy stands up and offersthat, “if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy”.

“No,” Winston says, “That would be an ACCIDENT.”

A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy”. “I’m afraid not, “explains Winston, “that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. “What?” asks Winston, “isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: “If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy”.

“Wonderful!” Winston beams. “Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” “Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss!”

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

“Mr. President,” said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, “there’s good news and bad news.”

“Oh, no…” muttered the President, “Well, let me have the bad news first.”

“The bad news, sir, is that we’ve been invaded by creatures from another planet.”

“Gosh, and the good news?”

“The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil.”

Al Gore was entertaining Joe Leiberman and decided to show off his new home. Upon entering the bedroom, Joe noticed a very large wooden box with 5 empty beer cans and about $1500.00 in cash.

Out of curiosity, Joe asked “AL, I see you’re a beer drinker, I am too! you see, we DO have something in common”

With a condescending voice, Al quipped, ” yes, of course we do Joe”

Joe then asked ” Al, why the 5 empty cans and all that cash”

Al gladly told Joe about his new program. ” Joe, since last month, I have decided to turn a new leaf and become a more accountable person, while at the same time rewarding myself for my efforts. Whenever I tell a lie, I drink a beer and put the can in this box”

“That’s really impressive”, Joe replied, “only 5 beer cans in a whole month, but tell me, where did all that cash come from”?

Without missing a beat, Al responded, “Whenever the box gets full of beer cans, I take it down to the recycling center, you know how concerned I am about environmental issues”.

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table… then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father’s plan was: “If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I’m afraid our son will be a drunkard.”

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality …then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: “Darn, it’s even worse than I could ever have imagined.. ” “Our son is going to be a politician!”