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Women Jokes

A woman is not a womyn or a wyf or a wyfman (even if it isn’t pronounced like any of the current versions). She is someone who has not decided to affiliate with feminism or Middle English in any way. She is probably very normal, but in an attempt to prove male dominance, only one out of ten (male) doctors agree with this assessment.

For thousands of years, men have been searching for a final solution to the women problem. They have yet to execute any permanent measures and experts are beginning to admit grudgingly that women might be here to stay.

Notable characteristics include chocolate blood, 15 GHz multi-tasking capabilities, and an innate hunger for shopping.

Friendship Among Women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Among Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

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1. Getting kissed in the pouring rain.
And then developing pneumonia because you were too stupid to use an umbrella.

2. Have that one hot kiss where you’re pressed against the wall.
And then pressing charges for sexual assault.

3. Have a guy that thinks you’re the world.
Because men who think about anything other than you are obviously unfaithful!

4. Have a guy that holds on as long as possible when giving hugs.
Nothing beats a collapsed lung, right?

5. A guy that you don’t have to be with 24/7 to know that he loves you.
Because you had a special microchip embedded into his feeble brain to control him with.

6. When you cry, he kisses your tears away.
And then dies of dehydration because tears are saltwater and you cry an all the time!

7. A guy who tells you that your smile makes everything better.
Sure you cheated on him with an entire football team, but just smile and everything will be better.

8. A guy that will play her favorite song outside her window.
Regardless of musical incompetence and uses an accordion.

9. A guy who squeezes your hand.
And because of this you develop premature arthritis, yay!

10. A guy that says he loves you and means it.
Aside from the guys that say “I love you” and mean it as a punch line.

11. A guy who would love you forever no matter the circumstance.
Even if you were screwing his best friend and brother at the same time.

12. A guy that will kiss you on the forehead.
Even when it’s covered with puss-dripping zits.

13. A guy that will sing to you no matter how bad he is at it.
What could possibly beat getting a migraine from your a tone-deaf boyfriend as he bellows Snoop Dogg’s “Trust Me”.

14. A guy who stands up for you no matter who he is against.
Especially if you’re in trouble with the Mob. Just hope he hasn’t seen Scarface.

15. A guy that will never judge you for how you look.
Then why are you constantly asking to judge if other women are prettier than you?

16. A guy who you can hangout and have fun with.
Which means that he had better have fun by watching you get your nails done and spend all of his money on handbags and shoes.

17. A guy who will hold your hand through the roughest parts of life.
Like when you dump him for that rich doctor you’ve always dreamed about.

18. A guy that tells you everything honestly.
Because every girl wants to hear the truth when they ask their boyfriend if he thinks they’re too fat.

19. A guy that will always let you win.
Even if the girl knows she’s terrible at a game she wants a guy to blatantly lie to her and pretend he sucks even more she does just to make her sad ego feel better.

20. Wearing his jacket and every time you breath in, his scent surrounds you.
And since he just finished smoking a huge rock of crack, you get a nice contact buzz.

21. A guy who will watch any movie with you, no matter how teary eyed you may get.
You know real tear-jerkers like Debbie Does Dallas, and Backdoor Sluts 9.

22. A guy that will call you beautiful or adorable… not hot, fine, or sexy.
The reason he doesn’t call you sexy is because you’re ugly and you’re only adorable in the same way a baby covered in afterbirth is adorable.

23. A guy that is the same when he is with you as he is when with his friends.
In that case you want a guy who is drunk, flirting with every girl in the room, and peeing in your house plants.

24. A guy who will sit on the phone with you when you’re sad, even if you’re quiet.
Not like it matters as long as you’re footing the bill. Why should he use up his minutes to talk to a mime?

25. A guy who you can be yourself with and he will never care and would still tell you that you are amazing to him.
If you can find a guy with such incredibly low standards, go for him!

26. A guy who runs his fingers through your hair, like he’s washing your worries away.
But then gets tangled in it and daftly rips out a huge bloody chunk of your scalp.

27. A guy that will just randomly call you for no reason at all, just because he missed you.
Like, for instance, when he’s taking a huge dump after eating Taco Bell. That’s a good time for a call.

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Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.” So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Larry asks, “Son, what happened last night?” His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Larry asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”

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A woman goes to the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a strange problem and I need your opinion.” “Can you describe the symptoms to me?” he asked.

“Well, it’s easier if I show you,” she said, and standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

“They don’t hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them.”

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, “Are you a lesbian, by any chance?”

Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, “Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?”

“Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren’t real gold.”

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Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.

‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’

‘That was very kind of you,’ Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’

Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’

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