A chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

“Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner, strapping him in.

“No,” replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.

Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.

“Do you have anything you want to say?”

“No, just get on with it.”

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

“Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner.

“Yes,” replied the engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work.”

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it’s just a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot’s children’s cough medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I’m curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.”

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”

On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?”

“What do I think?” his mother said. “Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I can stand another Canadian winter!”

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

“Ames” “Here!” “Jenson” “Here!” “Jones” “Here!” “Magersky” “Here!” “Seeback”

No answer.

“Seeback!”

No answer was heard again.

“SEEBACK!!!” The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry … we can fly just fine on two engines.”

An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry … we still have one engine left.”

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”