A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

The 5 questions most feared by men are: 1…What are you thinking about? 2…Do you love me? 3…Do I look fat? 4…Do you think she is prettier than me? 5…What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).

As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following: a…Baseball. b…Football. c…How fat you are. d…How much prettier she is than you. e…How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include: a…Oh Yeah, crap loads. b…Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c…That depends on what you mean by love. d…Does it matter? e…Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are: a…Compared to what? b…I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin. c…A little extra weight looks good on you. d…I’ve seen fatter. e…Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:

a…Yes, but you have a better personality. b…Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c…Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d…Define pretty. e…Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a Boat”). WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not-don’t you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry? MAN: Okay, I’d get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed WOMAN: – - – silence – - – MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

(Prepared and Presented by Females)

1. Combatting stupidity

2. You too can do housework

3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut

4. How to fill an ice tray

5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money

6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am

7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, “Don’t wash my silks”)

8. Parenting: It doesn’t end with conception

9. Get a life; learn to cook

10. How not to act like a jackass when you’re obviously wrong

11. Spelling: Even you can get it right

12. Understanding your financial incompetence

13. You: The weaker sex

14. Reasons to give flowers

15. How to stay awake in public

16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb

18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try

19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower

20. I’ll wear it if I damn well please

21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled “No, it’s not a bidet”)

22. “The weekend” and “sports” are not synonyms

23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull

24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost

25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency

26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex

27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes

28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too

29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home

30. You too can be a designated driver

31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, “You don’t look like Mel Gibson when naked”)

32. Changing your underwear: It really works

33. The attainable goal: removing “tits” from your vocabulary

34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary

35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work

(Prepared and presented by Males)

1. Elementary map reading

2. Crying and law enforcement

3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR

4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours

5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.

6. PMS: It’s your problem, not mine (“It’s happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.”)

7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions

8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights

9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed

10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it’s as simple as oil and water

11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament

12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, “Me too” equals “I love you”)

13. How to earn your own money

14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, “Fabric bad, electronics good”)

15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side

16. Beyond “Clean and Dirty” – The nuances of wearable laundry

17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station

18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels

19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy

20. His best friend can be yours too

21. His poker games: Deal yourself out

22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, “Wedlock Schmedlock”)

23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above “I do”

24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house

25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?