A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

Sheep don’t have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.

You can get a better grip on a sheep’s ear.

Sheep don’t shy away from boots and leather.

Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.

Nuttin’ beats mutton.

Sheep won’t argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.

Sheep won’t drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.

Sheep never ask if you’re ready to settle down.

Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.

We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

It’s cool to be a daddy’s girl. It’s sad to be a mommy’s boy.

We can cry to get out of speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts… and pool… and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers… men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don’t believe there’s a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our… womanhood.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a ‘ruck’ (or any other football thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.

I need = I want

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper…

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really going to hate

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I’m not yelling! = Of course I’m yelling, this is important!

Men say = Men really mean

I’m hungry = I’m hungry.

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy.

I’m tired = I’m tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

What’s wrong? = I don’t see why your making such a big deal about this.

What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I’m bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let’s have sex now.

I love you, too. = Okay, I said it… we’d better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

Let’s talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.