An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer … you’re in the wrong place.” So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators; the engineer soon becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies: “Hey, things are going great! We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators! And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next!”

God exclaims: “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan, standing his ground, challenges: “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God replies threateningly: “Send him back up here or I’ll sue!”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right! And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?”

The pilot on a small plane announced that the plane was going to crash and it’s every man for himself. The pilot and co-pilot then grabbed two parachutes and jumped out of the plane. The four passengers, an old priest, a 10 year old boy, a brain surgeon and an attorney, ran to the storage area for the remaining parachutes — there were only three left.

The brain surgeon said, “There is only one other doctor in the world that can perform the type of surgery I do, and I can save thousands of lives, I’m too needed to die” — so he grabbed a pack and jumped.

The attorney then pushed aside the priest and the 10 year old, grabbed a pack and explained, “Since I am an attorney, my life should be saved because I have superior knowledge and intelligence and am very much needed to advise all the thousands of people less brillant than me”, and then he jumped.

The old priest turned to the young boy and said, “Son, take the last parachute, I have had a full life and am at peace with my Maker, you have your whole life to live yet”.

The young boy was shaking his head “no” — Don’t worry Father, he said, “we both will be ok — you know that guy who said he had superior knowledge and intelligence — well, instead of grabbing a parachute pack, he grabbed my backpack!”

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer — do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”

“Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?”

“Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won’t do. There is a drawback however; sometimes it’s very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings”

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

“Is Mr. Smith there?”, asked the client on the phone.

“I’m very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night,” the receptionist answered.

“Is Mr. Smith there?”, repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. “Perhaps you didn’t understand me I’m afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.”

“Is Mr. Smith there?”, asked the client again.

“Ma’am, do you understand what I’m saying?”, said the exasperated receptionist. “Mr. Smith is DEAD!”

“I understand you perfectly,” the client sighed. “I just can’t hear it often enough.”