After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. “You can’t make any noise,” she warned him. “My parents are upstairs and if they find out they’ll kill us.”

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. “I have to go,” he said.

“Well you can’t go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents’ bedroom,” she replied. “Use the kitchen sink.”

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, “Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?”

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, “My word, for $250 they could’ve at least ironed it!”

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.” No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, “Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”

“What? You’re crazy!”

“Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”

“No!! Someone may see — a relative, a neighbor…”

“At this time of the night? No one will show up…”

“I’ve already said No, and NO!”

“Honey, it’s just a small blowie…I know you’d like it, too…”

“No! I’ve said NO!”

“My love… Don’t be like that…”

At this moment, the girlfriend’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, “Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God’s sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!”