Bill Gates dies in a car accident.

He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM — You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION — You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
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* “Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?” — Asked of a waitress.
* “Just the chicken.” — The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.
* “Would you like cream and sugar with that?” — Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.

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A song from your lips is an aria from heaven.
All this could be yours for one low, low price!
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Are my undies showing? Answer: “No.” You: “Would you like them to?
Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.
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1. Make up fake acronyms. Online veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) or RTFM (read the fucking manual) to show that they’re “hep” to the lingo. Make up your own that don’t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (“You don’t know that? RTFM”).

2. WRITE YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON’T USE RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE. ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!! TO SHOW THAT YOU’RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!

3. When replying to your mail, correct everyone’s grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don’t otherwise respond to the content of their messages. when they respond testily to your “creative criticism,” do it again. Continue until they go away.

4. Software and files offered online are often “compressed” so that they won’t take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word e-mail responses like “Thanks.”

5. Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like “SexyHousewivesI,” then see how many people download it. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-ons.

6. cc: all your e-mail to Al Gore ([email protected]) so that he can keep track of what’s happening on the Internet.

7. Join a discussion group and tie whatever’s being discussed back to an unrelated central theme. For instance, if you’re in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct others to ignore you.