Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331

1 to change the light bulb and to post on the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of
2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. -{—– The information went data way ——–[
11. Best file compression around: “DEL .” = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud……, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied–nah nah na nah nah!
17. C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don’ NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. … File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer’s attention span is as long as it’s power cord.
31. 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbor’s Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who’s General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. DEFINITION: Computer – A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I’m modeming… and I can’t hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
54. Press any key…… no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
55. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue …

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. “9.30 okay?”

George said, “Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.”

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, “Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.”

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. “Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?” one of the foursome asked.
George said, “Sure if I�m ten minutes late�”

Another golfer jumped in. “Wait a minute� You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you�re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.”

George said, “Well, that�s true � I�m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she�s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.”

“What if she�s lying on her back?”

George said, “That�s when I�m ten minutes late!”

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)

They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the
mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls’ pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, “OK, lets get out and get him”!

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts -
“THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!”

The front guy says, “Well, I’m gonna start nibbling grass,
but you better start to “brace yourself!”

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: “You’ve got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.”

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: “That was a huge mistake, Frank. You’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.”

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
“Admit it, Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”