New Computer Viruses!

John Bobbit Virus– Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)

�Oprah Winfrey Virus– Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.

�Politically Correct Virus– Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism”.

�Right to Life Virus– Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

�Government Economist Virus– Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

�Federal Bureaucrat Virus– Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

�AT&T Virus– Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

�MCI Virus– Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

�Sprint Virus– Every 3 minutes it tells you that it’s better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.

�PBS Virus– Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

�Health Care Virus– Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

�LAPD Virus– It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense”.

�O.J. Virus– Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.

�Ross Perot Virus– Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

�Ted Turner Virus– Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

�Dan Quayle Virus– Their is sumthing rong wit your’re komputer, we jsut can’t figyour out watt.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER

1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.

2. You check out their address, and it’s a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.

3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.

4. Their proud boast: “We’ve been on the Internet since it was CB radio.”

5. Their promo materials use the words “information” and “superhighway” in the same sentence.

6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks “Would you like fries with that?”

7. “As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports.”

8. “Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas.”

9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.

10. They charge by the word.

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other…

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it’s a real easy game. He explains,”I ask a question and if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don’t know the answer I’ll pay you $5.” Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “O.K., if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don’t know the answer I pay you $50! ” Now, that got the Engineer’s attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” Then Engineer doesn’t say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer’s turn. He asks the Programmer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?” The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, “Well what’s the answer to the question?” Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
9. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
10. Size does matter.

Tech Support hotlines are not easy work, you get calls from all sorts of idiotic users that apparently can’t read a manual, or lack common sense. Here is a transcript of just one such case:

Caller “Hello is this Packard Bell Tech support?”
Tech “Yes how can I help you?”

Caller “The cup holder on front of my computer broke off and it is still under warranty, how do I go about getting it fixed?”
Tech “Excuse, you’ve stumped me. How did you get this cup holder, was it part of some promotion?”

Caller “It came with the computer, I don’t know of any promotion.”
Tech “Does it have any markings on it, any names, any symbols?”
Caller “Yes, it says 4X!”