DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN’S ENGLISH:

I am hungry……………………..I am hungry
I am tired…………………………I am tired
Nice dress………………………Nice cleavage!
I love you…………………………Let’s have sex now
I am bored………………………Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?………………..I’d like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?……………I’d like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?…….I’d like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?……….I’d like to have sex with you.
I don’t think your shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:

Yes…………………………………..No
No……………………………………Yes
Maybe………………………………No
We need………………………….I want
I am sorry………………………..You’ll be sorry
We need to talk……………….You’re in trouble
Sure, go ahead………………..You better not
Do what you want……………You will pay for this later
I am not upset………………….Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You’re attentive tonight………Is sex all you ever think about?

< size="2">40-ish…………………………..56+ (it’s the red convertible that makes him feel so young)
Active…………………………..Gets up to get his own damn beer
Adventurous…………………..Asks for extra spicy on his burrito supreme
Enjoys cooking………………Can operate microwave
Enjoys travel………………….Never asks for directions
Athletic………………………..Loves playing Madden 08 on XBox 360
Generous……………………..Incapable of thinking of anyone other than himself
Romantic……………………..Has Viagra prescription
Considerate…………………..Leaves seat up and is a bad aim.
Emotional…………………….Gets pissed when out of beer
Loves pets……………………Does not pick up poop especially from some dumbass little dog
Loves children……………….Really doesn’t like poop so get used to it
Loves family………………….Will probably hit on your sister.
Loves strong coffee………….Usually hung over
Looking for soul mate………Search likely to go on for a long, long time
Slim…………………………….Sickly.
Boyish-charm………………..Momma’s boy
Youthful……………………….Bald as a baby
Man’s man……………………Hair growing everywhere even where seemingly impossible
Loves to laugh……………….Smokes too much pot

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish…………………………….49.
Adventurous………………….Slept with everyone.
Athletic…………………………..No breasts.
Average looking……………..Moooo.
Beautiful………………………..Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure……….On medication.
Feminist…………………………Fat.
Free Spirit……………………..Junkie.
Friendship first………………Former Slut.
New-Age………………………..Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned…………………No B.J.’s
Open-minded………………….Desperate.
Outgoing…………………………Loud and embarrassing.
Professional……………………Bitch.
Voluptuous……………………..Very fat.
Large frame……………………Hugely fat.
Wants soul mate……………..Stalker.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

He continued, Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: How much for a season pass?

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