A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The old man replied, “I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking the shit out of my ducks!”

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

“Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaimed the brother.

“And why not?” asked Stan. “Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?”

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.”

Stan couldn’t take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, “You’re SURE you want a nephew?”

“Yes,” the brother replied. “It would be an honor!”

“Well congratulations, you’re holding him!”

A man’s house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in “3 more times” without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him, “Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?”

The man replies, “I’m turning over my mother in law.”

My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said, “You know I don’t mean this badly, but you don’t know the carburetor from the accelerator.”

“No, there’s definitely water in the carburetor” she insisted.

“OK, Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?”

“In the lake!”

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other’s values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other’s company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but… How’s your health?”

“It’s OK”, he answers. “I’m not getting any younger, but I don’t have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life”.

“Well, then”, she replies “I don’t want to be a snoop, but I’ve got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?”

“So-so. I’m not rich, but I’m comfortable. You don’t have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself”.

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain – “And how’s your sex life….”

“Infrequently”, he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking… “And is that one word or two?