Some reasons that it’s great to be a guy:

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every picture of somebody crying.

All your orgasms are real.

You don’t have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

You don’t have to shave below your neck.

None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your name in the snow.

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, “He must be mad at me.”

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

One mood, all the time.

You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one’s just too dirty.

You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind your back.

With 400 million sperm cells per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.

If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

The remote control is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.

If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your other friends that you’ve changed.

Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, “screw it.”

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with, “So… notice anything different?”

Things that suck about being a guy:

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you’re not allowed to cry.

Ribbed for her pleasure — not yours.

You have to wear ties.

You can’t flirt your way out of a jam.

“Women and children first.”

RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled ‘All Men Are Idiots’ Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, ‘I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.’

This is known as the ‘I Hate You I Love You’ drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn’t be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola’s head.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction…he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six ‘D’ batteries to operate.

MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn’t really matter.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME: When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS: Women on a girl’s night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy’s night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are ‘Pass the Doritos’ or Got anymore beer?’

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?’

Workplace Hazardous materials Information System

Substance: Women

Chemical system: Wow

Manufacturer: God

Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs; specimens can vary from 90 to 200 lbs.

Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1. Surface Tension – Soft and warm

2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.

3. Boils at nothing.

4. Freezes without reason.

5. Melts with special reason.

6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.

7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.

8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points.

9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.

10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.

3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.

4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.

COMMON USES

1. Highly ornamental.

2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.

2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.

HAZZARDS

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.

2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.

3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, “I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?”

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man’s muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, “I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?” Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, “Yes!” The man hands her his shirt and says, “Here, iron this.”

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines — one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”