NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ( I invite any woman to prove me wrong!

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car’s hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.” male: what you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

Maternity leave would last for two years…with full pay.

There’d be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s number one health problem.

All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent

effectiveness.

Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment.

They wouldn’t think twins were quite so cute.

Fathers would demand thaqt their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm.

Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags.

They’d have to stop saying,”I’m afraid I’ll drop him.”

Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.

They’d stay in bed for the entire nine months.

Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.

1. Maternity leave would last two years… with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.

14. Women would rule the world.

He said. . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.

She said . . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said . . . I would but you’re never there.