Men say = Men really mean

I’m hungry = I’m hungry.

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy.

I’m tired = I’m tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

What’s wrong? = I don’t see why your making such a big deal about this.

What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I’m bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let’s have sex now.

I love you, too. = Okay, I said it… we’d better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

Let’s talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

I’m hungry = I’m hungry

I’m tired = I’m tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Would you like to dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?

You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before

Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn’t even look different!

I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go!

There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thaught it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, “Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and ‘cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!”

The suprised man said, ” OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.”

The genie replied with a smirk, ” Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I’m sorry, it just can’t happen.”

The man said with a smile, “Fine then, I want to understand women.”

The genie said, ” Would you like two lanes or four?”

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As “Keeper of the Garden,” Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!” And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, “I can do better than THAT!”

To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be asleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren’t in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn’t want to muss your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me that there’s a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn’t come

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching sports on t.v.

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”

The time you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe.