1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

1. Blow out a huge depressed fart and blame it on the person next to you out loud.

2. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

5. Meow occasionally.

6. Show other passengers a rash on your genitals and ask if it looks infected.

7. Leave a box between the doors.

8. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask ‘is that your beeper?’

10. Say ‘I wonder what all these do’ and push the red buttons.

Sheep don’t have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.

You can get a better grip on a sheep’s ear.

Sheep don’t shy away from boots and leather.

Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.

Nuttin’ beats mutton.

Sheep won’t argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.

Sheep won’t drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.

Sheep never ask if you’re ready to settle down.

Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.

We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

It’s cool to be a daddy’s girl. It’s sad to be a mommy’s boy.

We can cry to get out of speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts… and pool… and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers… men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don’t believe there’s a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our… womanhood.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a ‘ruck’ (or any other football thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.

I need = I want

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper…

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really going to hate

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I’m not yelling! = Of course I’m yelling, this is important!