10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

You know you’re out of college when

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. 8:00 am is not early.

9. You have to file your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11. You’re not carded anymore.

12. You carry an umbrella.

13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for “jackass”.

14. “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.

15. “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.

17. You start watching the weather channel.

18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.

19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.

22. You go to parties that police don’t raid.

23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you… and they’re no longer “adults” – they are your peers.

24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.

25. Your car insurance goes down.

26. You refer to college students as kids.

27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.

28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.

30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.

31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, “When I was in college…”

Not to cuss.

Not to cohabitate.

Not to use that language.

Not to go in the first place.

Not to invest in Telecom stocks.

Not to date sluts.

Not to eat with my hands.

Not to drink from the filthy bucket.

Not to train octopi.

Not to beat myself with slotted spoons.

Not to mix plaids and stripes.

Not to wiggle.

Not to beat eggs for an omelet during Uncle Freddie’s funeral.

Not to save and collect my empty enemas.

Not to smell my feet.

Not to banish Captain Snuggles to the washing machine.

Not to lick the poison mushrooms.

Not to unlock the closet.

Not to wear her bras.

Not to play with the children under the stairs.

Not to juggle the plutonium.

Not to smoke her cigars.

Not to seethe.

Not to let the dogs out, because she’ll know who did it.

Not to cry like a big, fat, hairy little girl.

Not to dance dirty.

Not to fiddle with my colostomy bag.

Not to get jiggy with it, or anything for that matter.

Not to tap on my brother’s iron lung.

Not to take candy from strangers.

Not to let Dad out of the closet.

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

1… Combating Stupidity

2… You, Too, Can Do Housework

3… PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

4… How to Fill an Ice Tray

5… We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money

6… Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am

7… Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled “Don’t Wash my Silks”)

8… Parenting: No, It Doesn’t End With Conception

9… Get a Life: Learn to Cook

10… How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You’re Obviously Wrong

11… Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right

12… Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13… You: The Weaker Sex

14… Reasons to Give Flowers

15. How to Stay Awake After Sex

16… Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom

17… Garbage: Getting it to the Curb

18… You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try

19… The Morning Dilemma if IT’s awake: Take a Shower

20… I’ll Wear it if I Damn Well Please

21… How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled “No, It’s Not a Bidet”)

22… “The Weekend” and “Sports” are Not Synonyms

23… Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit

24… How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost

25… The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

26… Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex

27… Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes

28… Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too

29… Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home

30… You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

31… Seeing the True You (formerly titled “No, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked”)

32… Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works

33… The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary

34… Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary

35… Techniques of Calling Home

36… Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.