1. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.

2. You can’t feed that to the dog.

3. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

4. Trim the fat off that steak.

5. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

6. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

7. Duct tape won’t fix that.

8. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

9. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

10. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin’.

1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.

6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

7. You rob Peter…and then rob Paul.

8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

10. Your bologna has no first name.

11. You give blood everyday… just for the orange juice.

12. Sally Struthers sends you food.

13. McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

14. At communion you go back for seconds.

Here’s a list of summer camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:

Tommy Lee’s

Camp Kickachick

Monica Lewinsky’s

Camp Suckaweewee

President Clinton’s

Camp Getahoochie

Ellen DeGeneres’s

Camp Lickacoochie

Kenneth Star’s

Camp Catchacrook

O.J. Simpson’s

Camp Killachick

Lorena Bobbit’s

Camp Cutaweewee

Tonya Harding’s

Camp Clubaknee

Pamela Lee’s

Camp Lottatatas

Michael Jackson’s

Camp Wannabewhitey

1. Your potted plants stay alive.

2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.

10. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie – it’s the whole date instead of just the beginning of one.

18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho’s.

23. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

25. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espresso’s as “getting wasted.”

You no longer own a real deck of cards because all your favorite card games [solitaire, spades, and hearts] are all played on your computer.

Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back “What’s for dinner?”

Your friend’s daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.