10. Your so-called “speed limits” mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.

9. You again? I thought I lost you at that last red light.

8. Aren’t you going to strip search me, big boy?

7. I am not the droid you’re looking for. You don’t need to see my papers.

6. Darn! My radar detector must be broken again.

5. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin’ Donuts closes in 15 minutes.

4. You’re not going to search my trunk are you?

3. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my registration?

2. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.

1. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?

1. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

2. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

3. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

4. Are You Andy or Barney?

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.

6. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7. I pay your salary!

8. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Good: You’re pregnant. Bad: It’s triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He’s a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You’re in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He’s a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give “the birds and the bees” talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!