1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator

2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven

3. 101 Games to Play in the Road

4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork

5. Your Nightmares are real

6. Monsters Killed Grandpa

7. All Guns Squirt Water

8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite

9. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree

10. Dad’s New Wife Robert

Lately she sits at the computer naked.

After signing off, she always has a cigarette.

The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

She’s gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.

She makes sarcastic remarks about your “software”.

Lipstick on the mouse.

During sex she screams “A-colon backslash enter insert!”

The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.

The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy’s behind.

1…Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

2…If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

3…My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

4…To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

5…Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

6…I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha

7…Illiterate? Write For Help

8…If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong

9…Cat: The Other White Meat

10…Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

8 things you’ll never hear a man say:

Here honey, you use the remote.

7) You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

5) While I’m up, can I get you anything?

4) Sex isn’t that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let’s watch Melrose Place.

2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1) We never talk anymore.

8 things you’ll never hear a woman say :

What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.

6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!

5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being ‘just friends’

4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3) Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

2) I don’t care if it’s on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.

1) Hey, pull my finger!

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…

“Just wait until your father gets home.”

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….

“You are going to get it when we get home!”

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…

“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me!”

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…

“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me.”

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…

“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

7. My Mother taught me ESP…

“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR…

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

10. My Mother taught me about SEX….

“How do you think you got here?”

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS…

“You’re just like your father.”

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…

“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…

“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

14. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE…

“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you… then you’ll see what it’s like”