There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required.

“Don’t leave me here to die alone here!” the old man said, when the day finally came.

“Now dad,” said the son, “we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. I’ll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call.”

So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. “You’ve got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food’s terrible, and I’m so alone!”

“Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it’s really that bad, we’ll have to work something out.”

So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old man’s surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.

As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. “Son, this is one great place you’ve found for me! The food’s great, the company is excellent, and I’ve never been happier!”

“That’s great news, Dad, I hoped you’d come to like the place once you’d given it a chance.”

Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.

When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, “Son, Son, you’ve got to get me out of this place! Right Now!”

“But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, I’ve got to run over there and get you?”

“Son, you don’t understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!”

Two old guys were fishing in a boat on Lake Michigan. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out.

A genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says, “You get one wish between the two of you–make it a good one.”

The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy. “Lemme handle this–I know just what to ask for!”

He looks at the genie and says, “We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!” The genie nods and says, “You got it, boys!”

And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out, “You idiot! Why the heck did you do that?”

“”Whadaya talking about?” the other fisherman answers. “I thought you’d like a lake-full of beer. What’s the problem?”

“I do like it…but the problem is…now we gotta piss in the boat!!!!”

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, “And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?”

Mr. Johnson replies, “I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door.”

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man’s son, and the son’s wife answers.

The doctor tells her, “Mrs. Johnson, I’m a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on…”

Mrs. Johnson yells, “Steven! Daddy’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary.

“Guess what, darling,” he said, “Fifty years ago today you and I were wed.”

“And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table,” she said.

“We were naked as jaybirds, remember?” he blushed. “Oh yes,” she giggled, ‘Why don’t we take off our clothes right now?” “All right.”

They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table.

“Oooh, darling,” she said, “My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”

“No wonder,” he said, “One’s in your coffee and the other’s in your oatmeal!”

You know you’re not a kid anymore when…

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead. You can live without sex, but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws. You call Olan Mills before they call you. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You make an appointment to see the dentist. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbors borrow your tools. People call at 9 pm and ask, “did i wake you?” You have dreams about prunes. You answer a question with “because i said so!” You send money to PBS. The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach. You wear black socks with sandals. You know what the word “equity” means. You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV. Your ears are hairier than your head. You talk about “good grass” and you’re refering to someone’s lawn. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel “old folks MTV.”) You go bowling without drinking. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.