This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor’s office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, “Lady those aren’t bags, they’re your tits, and if you don’t stop turning those screws you’re going to have a beard!”

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining
and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the
doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear. L: ?eh?

D: Madam – You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR! L: ??EH??

D: (shouting) –IN YOUR EAR! –A SUPPOSITORY!!! L: Oh, thank
Goodness – now I know where I put my hearing aid!

A man came home from the Social Security Office. ‘Honey,’ he said to his wife, ‘I finally convinced them that I’m old enough to collect Social Security.’

‘How?’ his wife asked. ‘Since the department of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can’t get a copy of your birth certificate.’

‘I know,’ the man replied, ‘I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I’m old enough.’

His wife retorted, ‘Then while you were at it, why didn’t you whip out your dick and get disability, too?!’

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn’t have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn’t believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said “Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don’t have crabs because I’m a virgin”.

The doctor checks her out and says “I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don’t have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies.”

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.

The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.

Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: “I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother’s strudel.” “No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.” “I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?” the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. “Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother’s delicious strudel?” the old man plaintively queries?

“I’m very sorry,grandfather, she says you can’t have any, it’s for the funeral!”