A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, “um, how is this going to work?”
The martain man replies “Oh, not big enough? Okay then.”

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. “Um, that’s good but isn’t it still a little thin?
“No problem” the martain man replies.
Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.
The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said “Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?”

The man replied, “It was awful!!
The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!”

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. “What’s going on?” Ed asked one of the crowd.

“We’re watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine,” he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. “Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there’s a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

“I can do that!” Ed said confidently.
“No you can’t,” said Ted.
“I sure as hell can!” said Ed.

“You’ll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster,” said Ted.
“Watch this,” said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine’s back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. “Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?” Ted asked.

“Remember three months ago,” Ed said…
“When my wife had whooping cough…?”

There was this lady who was in the shower & her little boy walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs & says:
“Mommy what’s that?” as he pointed down to her.
“Well, that’s Mommy’s washcloth.”

The next day he walked in on her again, & asked her again & she says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking.

So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks:
“Mommy what happened to your washcloth?”
“Uh, Mommy lost it.” So the little boy walked out.

The next day he walked in on his mom & says:
“Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth & she is washing Daddy’s face with it!”

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.
One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a moment and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, he returned to the office and said, -
“A long time. We’re gonna build a house…

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 – When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o’clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Hmmmmm …. about 10 minutes.
Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can’t say that.
Presenter: There’s a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.

Presenter:(and others in the room – much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We’ve got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we’re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can’t say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That’s close enough … Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can’t say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There’s a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I’ve already told them so it doesn’t matter anyway.. just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh …. alright …. Up the ass!

Radio Silence