The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. “This is Capt. Johnson, we’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto”.

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot “Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?”

Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.

“Well”, says the skipper, “First I’m gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night”.

Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She’s so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag – ***splat *** and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, “No need to run dearie, he’s got to go for a shit first!”

Five Maxims of Making Excuses

1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.

2) Always put the blame on something that can’t defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.

3) Whine convincingly. 4) Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don’t have that headache.

5) Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.

And now, some excuses: – I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn’t find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.

- The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change. – I’m taking care of a sick aunt…no, this is a different one. – The car ran out of gas. – Well, you never told me I couldn’t do that. – He started it. – I have jet lag. – I’d really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight. – I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end. – I missed the bus. – The alarm didn’t go off. – I couldn’t find a parking space. – The Devil made me do it. – Drugs made me do it. – Everybody else does it. – That’s not my department. – Our computer’s down. – We must have misplaced your original request. – It’s on someone elses desk. – Don’t ask me – I just work here.

The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, who’s president earned his MBA from UCLA, ” How much will your company charge for this project?” “2 million,” said Bruin. “1 million for materials and 1 million for labor.”

Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered, “3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for licenses and permits.”

Finally, the president asks the last company , Trojan Construction, whose president earned his MBA from USC. Trojan answered, ” 4 million.”

“FOUR MILLION,” yelled the president of ABC. “How do you breakdown the cost?”

Trojan replied, “1 million for you, 1 million for me, and 2 million to get the guy from UCLA to build the factory!

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians…

Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

No moth, no Jodie Foster — just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

Only 3 hits this month on the “World O’ Coffins” web site.

Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants… WHAMMO!

Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of “the willies.”

Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.

Toe tag paper cuts.

The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

Nobody visits your booth at junior high “Career Days.”

Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.

At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

Constant complaints of, “But he looks like Michael Jackson!”

and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians…

Dying in each other’s arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime

Procrastinator\’s Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.