Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.

“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!”

Matt replies, “What…and we weren’t?”

Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said “Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.”

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.
She asked Ole his occupation. “Diesel fitter”, he replied.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.

The clerk explained: “When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers.”

Skill!…”What skill?” yelled Sven.
“I sew the elastic on…
He pulls on it and says,…..”Yep, diesel fitter”.

Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
4. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
5. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
9. “This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.”

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.
“I’d love an ice-cold beer right now,” he told the genie. Poof! A beer appeared.

Next the man said, “I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women.”
Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought.
“I wish I never had to work again.” And poof!…
He was back at his desk in the government office!

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.

During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says “Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.”

Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.
The guy responds, “Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off.”

“Great!,” responds the interviewer… we give disabled Vet preference. “You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.”

“But doesn’t everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?”, asks the guy.

“Yes, but you don’t have to come in until 10…
All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!”