Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny’s test again?

Jeff: Yes, but how did you know?

Teacher: On question #1, Johnny put down “I don’t know”. And you put down “Me neither”.

Office work dull?…

None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?…

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution

ONE-POINT GAGS Run one lap around the office at top speed Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other’non-player’ must be in the bathroom at the time) When they’re not looking, pour most of someone’s fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye” To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!” Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way” Walk sideways to the photcopier. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open

THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get All that, I don’t want to have to repeat it” Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight). Shout random numbers while someone is counting

FIVE POINT GAGS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as ‘Bob’ Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do number two” After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamacian accent,as in, “the report’s on your desk, mon”. Keep this up for one hour While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!” At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again”. In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights” Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?” Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now” Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’ talk about it” Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, “You know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.”

The second one said, “No, you know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.”

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, “Now THAT’S a good date!!”

How to Annoy People at Work

1)Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch
paper, 99 copies. 2)Practice making fax and modem noises. 3)During
meetings, disassemble your pen and “accidentaly” flip the cartridge
across the room. 4)Staple papers in the middle of the page. 5)ALWAYS
TYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON 6)type only in lower case.
7)dontuseanypunctuationorspaceseither 8)While making presentations,
occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 9)In the memo field of
all your checks, write “for sensual massage.” 10)Ask your co-workers
mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.
Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employer’s Lingo:

“COMPETITIVE SALARY” We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM” We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE” We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED” You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED” Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY” Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL” We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED” Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON” If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE” We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE” You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST” You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS” You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS” Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee’s Lingo:

“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:” I’ve used Microsoft Office.

“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE” I pilfer office supplies.

“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES” I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK” I blame others for my mistakes.

“I’M PERSONABLE” I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL” I carry a Day-Timer.

“I AM ADAPTABLE” I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I AM ON THE GO” I’m never at my desk.

“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED” The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.