Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise________ Calories burned per hour

Beating around the bush -75
Jumping to conclusions – 100
Climbing the walls – 150
Swallowing your pride – 50
Passing the buck – 25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) – 50-300
Dragging your heels – 100
Pushing your luck – 250
Making mountains out of molehills – 500
Hitting the nail on the head – 50
Wading through paperwork – 300
Bending over backwards – 75
Jumping on the bandwagon – 200
Balancing the books – 25
Running around in circles – 350
Eating crow – 225
Tooting your own horn – 25
Climbing the ladder of success – 750
Pulling out the stops – 75
Adding fuel to the fire – 160
Wrapping it up at the day’s end – 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms – 50
Putting your foot in your mouth – 300
Starting the ball rolling – 90
Going over the edge – 25
Picking up the pieces after – 350

TO : ALL EMPLOYEES

FR : MANAGEMENT

SUBJECT : SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through out program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give out employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and out managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to take S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to the DIRECTOR OF EXTRA EMPLOYEE PROGRAMMING (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGHT INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you.

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don’t do a d***** thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let’s soak up more tax dollars while we play “Doom”), which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you’re sitting there reading humor funnies.

No wonder I’m tired; I’m the doing ALL of the work myself!

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You’ll be making under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You’ll be making under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you’re fired.

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:”
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:”
I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I’m outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I’m a college drop-out.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don’t throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.