There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.

Well the first guy says, “I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.”

Well the second guy says, “Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.”

Well the third guy says, “Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.”

Well the fourth guys clearly states, “Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.”

The other three guys say really? Why’s that?

And the fourth guys says, “Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn’t know what to do … so I shit my pants!”

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it’s a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, “I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove.”

So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, “Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here.”

The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. “Anything else,” he questions. The hippie replies, “Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove.”

Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, “Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!”

So the barkeep returns to the hippie. “That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?” “Yeah,” the hippie says, “but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove.”

The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.

“You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!”

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says “if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night”.

So he says “ok” and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says “if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says “To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him”.

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. “What’ll it be?” the bartender says.

The duck says, “I think I’ll have the grapes.” “Well, I’m sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don’t serve grapes here. Now, I’ll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want.”

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. “Ok, you got your order?” The duck nods, saying, “I’ll think I’ll have the grapes.”

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, “Look Mac, we don’t have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don’t serve grapes, so what will you have?!”

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, “I’ll have the grapes.”

The bartender, enraged, shouts, “If you ask for the grapes one more time I’m going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!”

The bartender cools off a bit. “Now what will you have?!” “Got any nails?” “OF COURSE WE DON’T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? A HARDWARE STORE?”

“Good, got any grapes?”

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said “I’d like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please” so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said “Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!” the panda calmly replied “Do you know what I am?” “Why yes,” the barman answered. “Your a panda.” “Good,” the panda nodded “Now go home and look up ‘panda’ in the dictionary.” And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend’s murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found ‘panda’ and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:
1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.