There’s a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.

The celery was like “Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!”

Then the carrot was like “You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!”

Then the dick said “Ya, well I got it the worst.
They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!”

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four”.

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”.

Again, there’s a bright flash…and then his legs fall off!

What is total agony? A one-armed man hanging from a twenty story building, with a serious case of jock itch.

A little corporate humor
———————-
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.

When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, “Why the spoons?”

“Well,” he explained, “our parent company recently hired some Andersen
Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after
months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop
spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time…nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift.
Just as he concluded, a “ch-ching” came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.
“I’ll grab another spoon the next time I’m in the kitchen instead of
making a special trip,” he proudly explained.
I was impressed. “Thanks. I had to ask.”
“No problem,” he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted
back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That’s when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter’s fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. “Excuse me, but…uh…why, or what…about that string?”
“Oh, yeah” he began in a quieter tone. “Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men’s room, too.” “How’s that, I asked?”
“You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh. . ., selves, we can
pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate
the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over
93%!” “Oh, that makes sense,” I said, but then thinking through the
process, I asked, “Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the other guys; but I use
the spoon in my pocket”!

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.
One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a moment and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, he returned to the office and said, -
“A long time. We’re gonna build a house…”