A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all then of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency romm of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.”

“I haven’t got the fingers.” The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We’ve got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn’t you bring me the fingers?”

“Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn’t pick ‘em up!”

True story:

About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent.

At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown.

With my gown raised, she uttered the words, “Okay, small prick,” and proceeded with the injection.

I’m still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.

Patient: Doctor,Doctor… I’ve got five penises!

Doctor: Well, how do your pants fit?

Patient: Like a glove!

There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, “Aaaaaahhh!!!”

The Poo List!

The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there’s no poo in the bowl.

The Clean poo – The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.

The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

The Wet Cheeks Poo- That’s the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.

The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.

The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

The Power Dump Poo- The kind that comes out so fast, you’ve barely got your pants down and you’re done.

The Liquid Plumber Poo- This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.

The Spinal Tap Poo- The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.

The ‘I-think-I’m-turning-into-a-bunny’ Poo- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.

The ‘What-the-hell-died-in-here’ Poo- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.

The ‘I-just-know-there’s-a-turd-still-dangling-there’ Poo- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.