One day a man decided to geta tattoo on his penis, his wife asked were have u been all day, he said to get a tattoo on his penis. The wife asked why? He said so u can stay home and blow money!!

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong with you?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn around’.”

Confucius says:

Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.

The first one says “Earthling take me to your leader!”
He gets no response.

The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. “Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!”
Still no response.

The first Alien then turns to the second and says, “If this Earthling doesn’t show me some respect I’m going to blast him!”

The second Alien replies “O.K. but, I’m just going to stand down on the next block.”

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time.

“Earthling take me to your leader!”
No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.

He then says to the second Alien “If you knew that was going to happen why didn’t you warn me?”

The second replies “I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I’m not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!”

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”?

“Well…”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”?

“A seagull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked increduously.

“Well…”, said the pirate, “..it was also my first day with the hook.”