Great truths about life:

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere…and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge…mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10.You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, “Oh you look about 29?” “I am actually
47.” That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the woman thought, “What the hell”, and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “Ok, You are 47.”

Stunned the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonalds!”

A little old lady went to the grocery store & put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, “Nothing but the best for my little kitten.”

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we can’t sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, & the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat & brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store & bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies – one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated, she went home, came back & brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No – you might have a snake in there.” The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So, the cashier put her finger into the box & pulled it out & told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.” The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, “Now, my dear, can I please buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?”

A nude jogger was running past two old women.

One had a stroke, the other missed!

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.